I stand there looking at you and you absolutely disgust me. I cannot fathom where it all went so wrong. What did I do? Why has it turned out this way?

I stand there lost in thought staring at you, remembering my whole life and seeing snippets flash through my mind.

I worked so hard all my life and strived to be the best I could be. I didn’t have it easy at school, I wasn’t the most naturally academic person I knew and everything I studied I had to study at twice as hard as anyone else to achieve the exam results that landed me a place at college. College life was easier, I was able to concentrate on the one subject I really liked; the law. I embraced the subject and worked hard until on leaving college, I was finally accepted into Law School.

All of it seems so pointless now as I stare at you. Everything I worked hard for blown away and seeing your sad eyes look back at me, I feel disgust and pity. It’s all I can do to look at you right now because you have no idea how just looking at you turns my stomach.

Once I graduated, I joined the Crown Prosecution Service and it was there that I met the love of my life, Barney; the only man who ever truly made me happy. I cherished every moment we spent together. The long windy walks on the moors, the holidays to far away destinations, spent together side by side, lazing on a lounger or strolling in the midday sun. And then being proposed to was all I imagined it would be and so much more.

I really had it all, the perfect man, the beautiful house in the suburbs, a joint income reaching into six figures. So my life really was complete once I fell pregnant. A planned event that happened nearly as quickly as the actual decision to try for my first child.

Even thinking about little Fletcher was enough to make me retch into the sink. My beautiful baby boy who was going to be so hurt by your betrayal. He was an innocent who delighted everyone he saw with his goofy grin and piercing blue eyes. The double of his Daddy which just made it even harder to look at you.

You don’t deserve to have him I thought to myself, as I watched the black circles around your eyes dampen with tears. It was pointless standing there looking at you, yet I couldn’t tear my gaze away. You destroyed utopia and you deserve the sneering, double glances that everyone gives you.

Despite all that had happened I still loved Barney and knew there was not a thing I could do to change that. He may have had his boxers off more times than a whore in a brothel but I turned a blind eye, just watching from afar and keeping it buried inside me, after all everything else about him was perfect and he loved me, I was sure.

Looking at you now, I realised that I should have dealt with the issues, confronted Barney earlier and maybe I wouldn’t be in this mess now. With me staring at you and you still looking so sad, I wonder if this would have made a difference.

But I left it, until the day I came home early. I was off on business but my train was cancelled and I couldn’t get another until hours later, so I decided to get a taxi home and read up on my case notes. I didn’t fancy another three hours in the bar waiting.

As I entered the house I heard giggles from upstairs. I heard whispers and I heard the sounds of two people making love. Only this wasn’t just any two people, I recognised the voices, Barney and Karen, my sister.

I stood for a split second before I bolted, slamming the door behind me. I reached my car and glanced back at the beautiful house just in time to see Barney rushing out of the door still doing his trousers up. But I’ll never forget the face of my sister looking down on me from my bedroom window.

I sighed and took one last look at you, tears streaming from my eyes and down my ashen face. I hated you and I wished I could take it all back. But it wasn’t possible. That’s the thing with life, once something is said or done, you cannot take it back.

I didn’t remember a lot once I bolted from the house that I had spent loving hours making a home. I must of sped away and the next thing I remembered was waking up in hospital with cuts and bruises and a broken arm. But sadly the other vehicles passengers hadn’t faired so well. A baby of just three months old was in a rear baby seat and the impact of my vehicle hitting the side of the car, was enough to kill him on impact. In the midst of my anger and pain, I had forgotten the five brandy’s I had leisurely swigged back at the bar earlier that day.

‘I fucking hate you, for all you let happen. For destroying our marriage, for ruining Fletchers life. For all the wasted years, for all the tears and pain you have caused. You deserve to rot in hell for the rest of eternity you fucking, selfish, stupid naïve, sorry excuse for a person’. And then I saw you laughing, you always ended up laughing at me, a demonic, twisted laugh that made me so mad. Even after all of this, you still stand there laughing.

I screamed at the top of my voice and started pummelling with my fists until the glass of the mirror shattered and I was left staring at a concrete wall, shards of glass scattered around me.

The tear stained face and demonic laughter was no longer visible, just the echo of my screams as they came, strapped me down and took me again, just as they had done so many times before.
Sunday 13th February 2011